Get Ready to Explore Growth

Growing is one of the most important parts of recovery and personal development, but it’s also one of the most misunderstood in my opinion.

Many people think growth happens automatically with age. I started observing that as I was getting older, there were people who refused to or barely  changed even though they were experiencing negative feelings, or weren't happy in life, but continued the same way. I've seen people stay in unhappy relationships (partners, family, friends), keep toxic jobs, complain, or just overall refuse to implement changes in their life that could yield positive results. What I learned is that growth happens when we intentionally challenge ourselves, reflect on our actions, and work to improve the way we think and behave.

This section explores what growth means, how to recognize where you may need it, and how to begin making meaningful changes in your life.

Recognizing where you need to grow can be difficult, but there are usually signs. These are the signs or trend that you might experience or reflect on that tell you that you might have room to grow:

• The same problems keep appearing in your life 
• You receive consistent feedback from others about a behavior or trait
• You simply feel that something about your behavior or thinking isn’t working

For me, the most helpful clues came from patterns I observe directly around me. If I repeatedly hear the same criticism from different people, or if similar situations keep producing the same negative results, I knew it may be worth looking deeper.

For example, one thing I realized about myself was that when I got angry, I would start yelling. I noticed I was yelling at people I cared about: girlfriends, family members, even my daughter.  These people in my life would provide feedback about my yelling, I realized that wasn’t how I wanted to be known by the people closest to me. I knew I wanted to change, and not get so angry, or at not yell if I was angry. So I started asking myself why I was doing it. 

I learned that people often raise their voices when they feel unheard. That idea stuck with me, because I realized that when I yelled, it was usually because I wanted to make sure my point got across. 

Once I understood that, I could start working on the real issue. If I wanted people to listen to me, I needed to be willing to listen to them too. I needed patience, and I needed to learn to communicate my point without escalating the situation. It sounds simple, but that realization helped me work on controlling my yelling. It also helped me build patience, which ended up helping in many areas of life: relationships, work, and stressful situations. 

The key to identifying growth opportunities is honesty. Especially being honest with yourself. When you feel something negative (anger, frustration, fear, resentment) take time to reflect on it. Ask yourself questions like:

• What just happened? 
• Why did I react that way?
• What was I afraid of in that moment?

If you keep asking “why” and dig deeper, you will often reach the real reason behind your reaction.  Sometimes, I go straight to "What am I afraid of,?", as fear drives a lot of unhealthy behaviors. It often pushes us toward control or defensiveness.  I In the yelling example, I was afraid I was not being heard, which is a common fear in relationships. I eventually realized something important: I couldn’t control whether the other person listens. But I could control whether I yell and communicating effectively. 

That realization alone created an opportunity for growth.  I also believe you should find strength in using the internet to perform some research, which can help with a starting point at minimum, or might help you identify faster. I'm a believer most problems have occurred to others, and just like I'm doing now, they have posted it on the internet to help someone else.